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  • Writer's picturejsemugaza


Hey there. It’s been awhile. It’s also been a hectic few months.

If you are reading this now, you are probably doing one of two things: working from home or hanging out at home. Both very broad categories are causing you however to reduce social interaction.

If you are reading this in the future, we either made it out of this COVID-19 pandemic or we failed miserably and this new higher thinking species has discovered my blog and are interpreting it as some kind of ancient relic of “times that came before”. If that’s the case, please don’t write off human beings off as some weird genetic fluke, we had a lot going on, and we apologize. Now that all the logistics have been accounted for, let’s begin,

I don’t know why, but for some reason I expected the New Year to be a lot less chaotic and flow a lot more smoothly because I “willed it so”. What I failed to remember is that the universe rarely takes what I want to happen into consideration, which has landed me here.

Before I continue, I should preface by stating that I am in no way playing victim, but rather trying to conceptualize all of...this. Like with all these posts, I also hope that this might start a conversation within yourself.

I don’t know about you, but the majority of 2019 was rather - how should I put this - brutal? Yeah, let’s go with brutal. If 2019 was a driver’s ed student, it barely met official standards. When I first started thinking about writing this post, I kept questioning myself: “Was it even that bad?” Was I just blowing everything out of proportion? Was this really a year from hell, or was I not practicing enough gratitude?”

So I made a list, pros and cons: what happened in 2019?

I went through my phone, looking over the conversations I had, the photos I’d taken, sent, and received - anything I could find to jog the memories of my year in review. Photography has always been a way for me to compartmentalize these memories, a way to form connections and remember events, people, and the feelings I was going through when taking the photo. This has also helped with my awful memory (If I’ve ever forgotten your name I apologize).

Spiraling down a whirlpool of photos and texts, reliving old conversations in my head and reminiscing on time spent preparing and taking photos, I began jotting down what I was feeling and what was going on during that time. Calendars and schedules were being pulled up and before I knew it, my list was complete.

The verdict? A lot more pros than cons. The problem? Those cons were a crippling shot to the liver. For those who have never felt a life altering sensation of a kidney blow, it’s not fun. Basically, your vagus nerve which is located on your kidney sends up a message up to your brain, letting it know to shut down everything. What is left is you, on the floor, gasping for air and trying to make sense of what is going on as your body performs a hard system reboot. Once you’ve gotten through it and come to, like any intense experience, you’re not going to forget that sensation - which is why I‘m putting the cons on the back burner.

Throughout all of the bad however, I found...some sort of truth. I found new interests and rekindled new passions. I started projects, worked on said projects, and procrastinated on the same projects. I connected with new people, shared stories, explored the world, allowed my anxiety take over which created a cascading feeling of non fulfillment, tried to overcompensate by starting new projects, meet more new people - rinse and repeat.

I feel like not a lot of people don’t talk about off beaten path when they talk about success and “making it”. Applying pressure and doing the most is never the way to go. If you’re a boxer and swing nothing but hooks and uppercuts, after a few rounds you WILL burn yourself out. I had this conversation with a friend of mine, and they argued that this is not the case for Boxing Legends like Mike Tyson for example; which proves my point. I’m not Mike Tyson, and odds are neither are you. So we can’t look at “successful people” and wish to have what they have mainly because:

1. They have taken unimaginable losses, victories and made millions of decisions that have consciously and unconsciously brought them to where they are.

2. We are not creating our own goals, dreams and aspirations but rather trying to emulate and live vicariously through these individuals.

So what am I getting at here? This manic behavior continued for an ENTIRE YEAR. By the time I got to December I was tired, restless, and grumpy. The frustrating part of it all is I couldn’t understand what caused the cycle to begin in the first place. What was I doing wrong? I took on projects and put myself out there, but I couldn’t follow through. Was I not working hard enough? Was I sleeping too much?? Not exercising enough??? Eating too many carbs????

All good questions. Questions that I feel deserve their own posts. That's not to say you guys can't share your thoughts! Has this ever happened to to you? Is this happening to you right now? what were you feeling during that time? How are you now? Thanks Again for reading and bearing with me and I will see you all very soon. And because it's relevant, Here's "Never Be like You" By Flume featuring Kai (just click the cassette and enjoy). Be Good, Do Good, and I'll talk to you all soon,

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